Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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