I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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