you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
