sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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