i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
