Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
