i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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