Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
