My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
