Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
