my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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