That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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