Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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