my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
