Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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