when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
