A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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