1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
