There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
