Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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