Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
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