I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
