but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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