I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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