I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize