Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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