He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
