Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
