Umm I'm too high to move.
i permit you to call me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
