so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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