I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
