I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
