I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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