At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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