He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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