My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
