I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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