Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
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You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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