New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
