Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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