I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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