Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
