cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
