ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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