apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
