do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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