i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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