Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize