Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
