Me. At least after what I've been through.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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