Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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