I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
