I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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