I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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