No stitches, just platelets and will power
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
