I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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